Words of Wisdom from Relationships Guru, Harriet Lerner
Have you just got engaged? Was the proposal everything you dreamed of? Are you excited about picking out your wedding bands, the flowers and of course, the perfect dress? If you’ve already started organizing your wedding, then you probably realize that there was a lot more to it than you originally thought.
Wedding planning is a complex, multi-faceted process, comprising fun tasks like deciding what your bouquet will look like, right through to more practical considerations, like finding the right vehicle (including its respective coverage) to make the grand entrance (does a Rolls-Royce tickle your fancy or are you more of a Hummer girl?). Little details like these are as subject to trends as wedding dresses are; there has been a tendency of late, for instance, to opt for vintage as opposed to modern cars and the right golden oldie can often be a bit of a challenge to find. A process that starts out as exciting can eventually take over your life yet between the calls, appointments and visits, many soon-to-be brides and grooms can often lose sight of what is perhaps the most important part of their union – the part that comes after the one-day celebration: their marriage. If you asked the happiest couples from your group of friends and family what makes their marriage so successful, what do you think they would answer? Each couple is a world unto its own and the magic they weave, inimitable. Yet the secrets of a successful marriage are not so hard to work out. When a relationship is based on love, trust and respect for each other’s differences, it cannot help but last a lifetime – or so says Dr. Harriet Lerner, Clinical Psychologist and author of best-selling books, The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy.
Lerner, who specializes in family relationships, is a wise, gentle soul who generously shares her knowledge on the key ingredients that make true intimacy and lasting relationships possible. While indulging in unabashed romanticism with the help of scented candles, dinner dates, or maybe just spa nights with the best pheromones oils, might prove useful in keeping the spark alive in a relationship, she is extremely clear about the biggest challenges most marriages face. “When people divorce, they blame themselves or their spouse, but if any other institution had a 50% failure rate, we would have to look at problems in the roles and rules of the institutions themselves. The broader culture does not really support families and there are problematic gender roles,” she notes. Yet despite these obstacles, many relationships thrive. According to Lerner, the key to true intimacy and successful relationships involves:
- Being true to oneself: It is vital to make clear statements regarding our beliefs, values and priorities and to behave in accordance with these. It is difficult to achieve true intimacy with someone else if we feel we have to hide who we are or the things that are important to us.
- Being in it for the long run: It is important to stay emotionally connected to our spouses even in the midst of intense situations – i.e. to avoid taking ‘the easy route’ by cutting ties completely or by finding intimacy in a third party when the going gets tough.
- Addressing important issues: Despite sometimes being painful to address, vital issues should not be brushed under the rug; they should be discussed so that you can resolve them.
- Stating our differences and allowing others to do the same: A healthy relationship is one in which both parties accept and respect each other’s differences.
- Having a good sense of humor.
- Apologizing when we are wrong: It is important to validate the feelings and opinions of others when our behavior has not been ideal and to show them that we care enough to feel bad about having hurt them.
- Honoring promises and agreements: If your future husband agrees to do the dishes every night, he should honor this promise. When many small verbal promises are broken, it can lead to frustration and a sense of not being valued.
- Setting your limits: Compromise is important, but so is having a ‘bottom line’ position regarding what is not acceptable to you.
- Staying focused on the issue at hand: Ask yourself questions like, “What can I do to make things better?” rather than focusing on what your spouse is doing or failing to do for you.
- Being influenced by your spouse’s pain and concerns, enough to change behavior that is hurting them.
- Making your partner feel like you are really listening to them when they are voicing their concerns.
- Making them aware of how much you love, respect and care for them. It is important to foster these feelings beyond the typical one to two-year ‘honeymoon period’.
- Changing what doesn’t work: Even before we get married, we can get caught in downward spirals with our partners, often arguing about the same things in the same manner. Harriet Lerner’s seminal work, The Dance of Anger, teachers readers how to break free of destructive cycles, by taking steps forward and resisting the urge to fall into old, unfruitful patterns. This book is recommended reading for anyone interested in improving their relationships with partners, spouses, family members and close friends in general.
Written by Melissa Hopkinson